[If there's one thing she can commend Brig for right now, it's that he's polite. Genuinely polite.]
That you apply yourself to learning how to accept other peoples' attempts at doing things for you. Sometimes, human beings need to serve in order to feel human themselves.
[ Brigade stops and contemplates her words. He understands what she means, he thinks.
He's fought all his life because that's what he was made for. But, in truth, at its core, what he was built for was to serve. Serve in the war as a combatant against the Blood Mask and the Nazi supernaturals. Serve in the war against people who step on others. It was his purpose in life.
He feels alive, he feels complete, he feels like his fellow Deadwalker soldiers when he's on the field or on a mission. Particularly missions where he might not come back, but where he can ensure others do.
He feels... human, in a way? In putting his life down on the line for others, he feels at his closest to being like everybody else. A sacrificial weapon happy to sacrifice itself.
Oh god, I sound like Hikaru. ]
I'm... I apologize. [ He goes quiet and glances away ] Would you rather I just let you pour? I can just... [ It's hard. Letting someone serve him. As if it's against his very character. ] learn by watching.
[ He doesn't notice the look of concern on her face at first. He's still looking away from her and off into space ]
[ He's about to say "nothing" but thinks better of it when he sees the slight bit of concern on her features. ] Just your son, ma'am. [ He smiles a half-smile. ] And how it suddenly dawned on me that we're a lot more alike than he and I would like to think.
[ He looks at her pipe and instinctively reaches for his cigarettes, stopping first to look at her ] Is it all right with you if I smoke too? It's your office, not mine.
[ Brig lights up and takes a long drag. He smiles and chuckles a bit ] There's a trap question if I've ever seen one. I can't answer good things about your son cause then it'll sound like I'm bragging about myself.
[ The smile fades again. He answers anyway. ] In some bad things, I guess? He's so obsessed with giving that he really forgets about himself. He's fine if he dies while doing what he does, so long as everybody else is okay.
I guess, what worries me is, while I'm not afraid to die, I still fight to live.
[ Brigade pauses and takes a sip of the sake. He takes another drag. His next words come out softly and slowly. ] Hikaru, on the other hand, sometimes it seems he's really just out to kill himself. [ Brigade's brow has furrowed in thought. He hates how Hikaru has absolutely no regard for his life at times. ]
Making a thoughtful little noise, letting her gaze turn inward as she weighs her companion's words. Taking a drag from her pipe, enjoying the pull, enjoying the release.
Then, softly:]
Killing himself for his cause is part and parcel to feeling alive for him. Why do you think he lives out every second as totally and as perfectly as he can?
[Of course, this is only half-true. But she wants to see how Brig will take that.]
[ Brigade thinks on it ] Ma'am, I'd have to disagree. Living his life as perfect as he can seems to be his cause, as well as the eventual result of what he sees as mistakes he may have committed in his previous lives.
Hikaru's lives have always been about fulfilling causes which others have found as impossible, which thus requires he strive for excellence in all he does, thus perfection.
[ He thinks of what he's read on Hikaru's first crusade: saving Setsuna ] It just so happens that those causes tend to seem to lead in a direction of self-destruction. Where he has to set aside everything of himself to achieve his goal.
[ Brigade instinctively reaches for the battle, but catches his hand halfway, remembering that he'd acceded to let Kasumi serve while he watches and learns. It's just so hard. ] The troubling part though is when he fixates on the self-destruction... [ He opts to take a long drag instead since he's already finished his cup of sake ] as if he doesn't deserve to be alive.
Like he sees himself as just... as inconsequential.
[Watching him all throughout, and waiting for him to pull back and finish his cup before moving to pour him another one. Then she fills her own cup.]
When you have always been defined, in one fashion or another, throughout every single one of your lives and have the misfortune or fortune of remembering every word you have ever spoken, every action you have made, every person you have met...
[Lifting her cup, staring into its contents a moment.]
It becomes difficult to believe in one's own value, especially when it is only too easy to destroy what you love, or to wake up one day and see that you have, inevitably, been left behind what you have chosen to care about.
[Drinking it down now. Looking up and smiling, once again, at Brig.]
[ Brigade follows suit and drinks his down. Ohwell, looks like I should've brought more than three bottles. ]
[ He has thought about this a lot. It started with -- ] "Weapon of the Methuselah", Ma'am. One of the first things I came across about your son were those words. [ He feels half tempted to just open a bottle and drink straight from it. The shallow cups were nice... for nicer conversations. Deep shit like this, needed deeper swallows ]
There was immediate commiseration. I was built as a weapon too, Ma'am. And I've had my fair share of things [ The days in Russia's control come to mind. When the brainwashing broke, he still remembered everything. That's why he didn't return to TFV. Didn't want to feel like someone's slave again. And went Soldier of Fortune to take jobs which would make him feel like he was atoning for all the crap they made him do ] that I've spent years trying to make up for. I honestly think I haven't yet. But I did recover my self worth. [ He can't help it. He takes one of the bottles he laid out on the side, pops it open and drinks straight from it. Mouths sorry to his gracious host. ]
I blame the people he's cared about then. It's not his fault they left him behind. They should've tried harder to keep up. [ Brigade takes another swig and a long drag from... ohwait, his cigarette's dead. He'd let it burn away into a long stick of ash by accident. ]
[Smiling as he takes straight from the bottle. It's all right. On her end, she's content with her cup.]
Does it have to be about blame or responsibility? If it was, then the entire world is at fault simply because Hikaru has chosen to love it. Not everyone is built the way we are, and to be frank, they should not be. That, in itself, leads to another conundrum: why did he have to fall in love with all of this in the first place?
[Pouring again.]
Blame is pointless. Attempting to quantify how 'well' or 'poorly' those around him have tried to 'keep up', as you say, only builds resentment, and prevents one from seeing things as they are.
[Because many have. Kasumi knows some of them, and is more than just familiar with the others. And she was wise enough to know that it was always a process. There was never an end to the work unless one was dead, or chose to give it up themselves.]
[ What's not to love about this world? ] I wouldn't say the world's at fault for Hikaru loving it. Not even for not accepting his love at times.
More of [ Brigade thinks of that question he's opted not to ask his brother. Of the woman. ] I blame them for throwing it in his face and making it a bad thing... making his kindness a bad thing.
If you don't want it. Don't take it. But don't throw the flowers onto the floor like a child and scream like it was a bad thing that someone cared for you. [ It's really the image that's come to mind for him, after what he's pieced together of everything everyone's mentioned to him about the matter ]
I apologize if there's resentment really. You never leave a man behind. [ He here's the gunfire in his head again. The grenades and cannon fire. The screams and pleas. ] Especially not someone you call your brother.
It's okay if they lagged behind cause they were tired, or just not enough. It's okay if they chose not to, and just walked away. [ Brigade pauses and takes a deep drink from the bottle ]
I'm not okay with them blaming him for devoting his life to a good cause and inadvertently having less time for them... cause he never forgets them and he will make time for them... [ Brigade pauses ]
It's not okay that he gets blamed for destroying precious things... killing beloved people, when he goes out of control. [ He's heard the stories. Bladian rapture. ] When he's not in control. [ Hikaru's constant wrestle with Death, throughout his life and even after the 28th cycle ]
[It's a gentle reminder (admonition?), topped with a gentle smile.]
Perhaps what he is asking for now is a little respect for the decisions he has made, whether they were the 'right' ones or not. There is no need to understand... at least, not immediately.
[Everything works out at the end of the path anyway.]
A weapon is only as good as the hand that wields it, after all.
[ Brigade shakes his head despondently ] Was it really a choice? [ He thinks of what Hikaru might've chosen if Setsuna hadn't been held in his face like blackmail. If he'd been given a chance to not have been the victim of the cosmic finger. ] Is it really a choice when there's only one right thing to do?
[ Brigade sets the bottle down, takes a long drag, and closes his eyes. He understood that little bit at least, from their talk with Calintz, Rethe and Jessie Vice ] Was he just supposed to walk away from his sister? Cause, Ma'am, that doesn't really sound like a choice.
[ He takes another long drag and thinks of Hikaru. Then speaks his next words softly. ] He didn't have to be a weapon.
[She says nothing to that, at least not immediately. Her son's decisions have always been his own: she simply does what she can to make it a little bit easier for him, in whatever way she can.]
Thank you for your concern. Still, I think that we have all walked well past the point where contemplating on how he did not have to be what he is now is moot and academic. [Taking a drag from her pipe.] Better to move from where one is now, in my opinion, and adjust accordingly. To ease the burden, so to speak. To remind him that this is not something that he has to do alone.
[ Brigade lights a new cigarette and takes a drag ] There are many of us, Ma'am, who always do. [ I don't plan to leave your son alone to do deal with this ]
But [ He thinks on it ], if there was a way to take the burden away from him, if either Hikaru wanted it done, or it had to be done because Death would be taking over anyway [ Leaving his Brother trapped in a body he had no control of anymore, having to watch as his hands, controlled by something else, kill everyone and everything he loved ], would you find that way, Ma'am? Would you take it to save him from a fate I'm sure he'd find worse than... [ Death? No, living forever, trapped inside Death, watching it do the exact opposite of everything he's worked toward in his 29 life cycles ] all this. [ Every night, Brother Hikaru goes out, Death's whipping dog, even though they say they've agreed to walk side by side ]
Perhaps I would, if I am certain that it is not my own arrogance and compassion blinding me and convincing me that I am right.
[Which was her subtle way of saying that she is not going to lift a finger right now. These are growing pains, in her eyes. Everyone adjusting, everyone making their own judgments.
She has seen her son in some of his more quiet moments, and read between his lines. It has told her one thing.
Thank you, Ma'am.[ That's enough for Brigade. It's enough to hear that she would. ]
I'm sorry.[ He apologizes, as he knows he got worked up on the matter ] I just... I just care very much for your son, Ma'am. He's a brother to me. [ And not just in honorific. He remembers the day in front of the chained Godslayer. "Stay with me. One Weapon to another.", "I'll see you on the field, Brother." ] And I do what I can as a fellow weapon.
[He is not lying. It's in the tone of his voice, in his eyes, in his movements. The things he is not saying. The things he is probably thinking about now, even as he tries to find more words.
Good. Filing that away for future reference now.]
You're welcome. It is nice to see that he appears to have yet another person that he can view as family.
[ It's calm in Brig now. Relatively. He still has so much to ask, but they can wait for another night. He wants to enjoy his sake. And the company. ]
[ He laughs a bit, noting now how she's been speaking the whole night. So calculated. So measured. What would it be like if --]
Would you like to continue this outside? Out in the air overlooking your garden? [ He smiles as he makes the request ] It's a bit stuffy in here and I think the stars are nice tonight.
It's not a problem, Ma'am. I would have taken the initiative even if you hadn't asked. [ He smiles and takes the two opened bottles and the sealed one in one arm, and reaches for his cup with the other. He makes his way to the door and deftly opens the sliding door with the hand holding his cup ] After you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Very interesting.]
I will, if you'll promise me one thing.
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That you apply yourself to learning how to accept other peoples' attempts at doing things for you. Sometimes, human beings need to serve in order to feel human themselves.
[Her son is one of them. She is another.]
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He's fought all his life because that's what he was made for. But, in truth, at its core, what he was built for was to serve. Serve in the war as a combatant against the Blood Mask and the Nazi supernaturals. Serve in the war against people who step on others. It was his purpose in life.
He feels alive, he feels complete, he feels like his fellow Deadwalker soldiers when he's on the field or on a mission. Particularly missions where he might not come back, but where he can ensure others do.
He feels... human, in a way? In putting his life down on the line for others, he feels at his closest to being like everybody else. A sacrificial weapon happy to sacrifice itself.
Oh god, I sound like Hikaru. ]
I'm... I apologize. [ He goes quiet and glances away ] Would you rather I just let you pour? I can just... [ It's hard. Letting someone serve him. As if it's against his very character. ] learn by watching.
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[Tilting her head just so, allowing concern to creep into her features.]
What are you thinking about?
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[ He's about to say "nothing" but thinks better of it when he sees the slight bit of concern on her features. ] Just your son, ma'am. [ He smiles a half-smile. ] And how it suddenly dawned on me that we're a lot more alike than he and I would like to think.
[ He looks at her pipe and instinctively reaches for his cigarettes, stopping first to look at her ] Is it all right with you if I smoke too? It's your office, not mine.
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[Pausing there in order to pull back a little and relight her pipe. Taking a drag from it now.]
How are the two of you similar?
[She has a feeling that she already knows the answer, but it's always telling to hear what a man has to say about himself.]
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[ The smile fades again. He answers anyway. ]
In some bad things, I guess? He's so obsessed with giving that he really forgets about himself. He's fine if he dies while doing what he does, so long as everybody else is okay.
I guess, what worries me is, while I'm not afraid to die, I still fight to live.
[ Brigade pauses and takes a sip of the sake. He takes another drag. His next words come out softly and slowly. ] Hikaru, on the other hand, sometimes it seems he's really just out to kill himself. [ Brigade's brow has furrowed in thought. He hates how Hikaru has absolutely no regard for his life at times. ]
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Making a thoughtful little noise, letting her gaze turn inward as she weighs her companion's words. Taking a drag from her pipe, enjoying the pull, enjoying the release.
Then, softly:]
Killing himself for his cause is part and parcel to feeling alive for him. Why do you think he lives out every second as totally and as perfectly as he can?
[Of course, this is only half-true. But she wants to see how Brig will take that.]
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Hikaru's lives have always been about fulfilling causes which others have found as impossible, which thus requires he strive for excellence in all he does, thus perfection.
[ He thinks of what he's read on Hikaru's first crusade: saving Setsuna ] It just so happens that those causes tend to seem to lead in a direction of self-destruction. Where he has to set aside everything of himself to achieve his goal.
[ Brigade instinctively reaches for the battle, but catches his hand halfway, remembering that he'd acceded to let Kasumi serve while he watches and learns. It's just so hard. ] The troubling part though is when he fixates on the self-destruction... [ He opts to take a long drag instead since he's already finished his cup of sake ] as if he doesn't deserve to be alive.
Like he sees himself as just... as inconsequential.
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When you have always been defined, in one fashion or another, throughout every single one of your lives and have the misfortune or fortune of remembering every word you have ever spoken, every action you have made, every person you have met...
[Lifting her cup, staring into its contents a moment.]
It becomes difficult to believe in one's own value, especially when it is only too easy to destroy what you love, or to wake up one day and see that you have, inevitably, been left behind what you have chosen to care about.
[Drinking it down now. Looking up and smiling, once again, at Brig.]
You appear to have thought about this a lot.
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[ He has thought about this a lot. It started with -- ] "Weapon of the Methuselah", Ma'am. One of the first things I came across about your son were those words. [ He feels half tempted to just open a bottle and drink straight from it. The shallow cups were nice... for nicer conversations. Deep shit like this, needed deeper swallows ]
There was immediate commiseration. I was built as a weapon too, Ma'am. And I've had my fair share of things [ The days in Russia's control come to mind. When the brainwashing broke, he still remembered everything. That's why he didn't return to TFV. Didn't want to feel like someone's slave again. And went Soldier of Fortune to take jobs which would make him feel like he was atoning for all the crap they made him do ] that I've spent years trying to make up for. I honestly think I haven't yet. But I did recover my self worth. [ He can't help it. He takes one of the bottles he laid out on the side, pops it open and drinks straight from it. Mouths sorry to his gracious host. ]
I blame the people he's cared about then. It's not his fault they left him behind. They should've tried harder to keep up. [ Brigade takes another swig and a long drag from... ohwait, his cigarette's dead. He'd let it burn away into a long stick of ash by accident. ]
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Does it have to be about blame or responsibility? If it was, then the entire world is at fault simply because Hikaru has chosen to love it. Not everyone is built the way we are, and to be frank, they should not be. That, in itself, leads to another conundrum: why did he have to fall in love with all of this in the first place?
[Pouring again.]
Blame is pointless. Attempting to quantify how 'well' or 'poorly' those around him have tried to 'keep up', as you say, only builds resentment, and prevents one from seeing things as they are.
[Because many have. Kasumi knows some of them, and is more than just familiar with the others. And she was wise enough to know that it was always a process. There was never an end to the work unless one was dead, or chose to give it up themselves.]
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More of [ Brigade thinks of that question he's opted not to ask his brother. Of the woman. ] I blame them for throwing it in his face and making it a bad thing... making his kindness a bad thing.
If you don't want it. Don't take it. But don't throw the flowers onto the floor like a child and scream like it was a bad thing that someone cared for you. [ It's really the image that's come to mind for him, after what he's pieced together of everything everyone's mentioned to him about the matter ]
I apologize if there's resentment really. You never leave a man behind. [ He here's the gunfire in his head again. The grenades and cannon fire. The screams and pleas. ] Especially not someone you call your brother.
It's okay if they lagged behind cause they were tired, or just not enough. It's okay if they chose not to, and just walked away. [ Brigade pauses and takes a deep drink from the bottle ]
I'm not okay with them blaming him for devoting his life to a good cause and inadvertently having less time for them... cause he never forgets them and he will make time for them... [ Brigade pauses ]
It's not okay that he gets blamed for destroying precious things... killing beloved people, when he goes out of control. [ He's heard the stories. Bladian rapture. ] When he's not in control. [ Hikaru's constant wrestle with Death, throughout his life and even after the 28th cycle ]
He didn't ask to be a weapon.
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[It's a gentle reminder (admonition?), topped with a gentle smile.]
Perhaps what he is asking for now is a little respect for the decisions he has made, whether they were the 'right' ones or not. There is no need to understand... at least, not immediately.
[Everything works out at the end of the path anyway.]
A weapon is only as good as the hand that wields it, after all.
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[ Brigade sets the bottle down, takes a long drag, and closes his eyes. He understood that little bit at least, from their talk with Calintz, Rethe and Jessie Vice ] Was he just supposed to walk away from his sister? Cause, Ma'am, that doesn't really sound like a choice.
[ He takes another long drag and thinks of Hikaru. Then speaks his next words softly. ] He didn't have to be a weapon.
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Thank you for your concern. Still, I think that we have all walked well past the point where contemplating on how he did not have to be what he is now is moot and academic. [Taking a drag from her pipe.] Better to move from where one is now, in my opinion, and adjust accordingly. To ease the burden, so to speak. To remind him that this is not something that he has to do alone.
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But [ He thinks on it ], if there was a way to take the burden away from him, if either Hikaru wanted it done, or it had to be done because Death would be taking over anyway [ Leaving his Brother trapped in a body he had no control of anymore, having to watch as his hands, controlled by something else, kill everyone and everything he loved ], would you find that way, Ma'am? Would you take it to save him from a fate I'm sure he'd find worse than... [ Death? No, living forever, trapped inside Death, watching it do the exact opposite of everything he's worked toward in his 29 life cycles ] all this. [ Every night, Brother Hikaru goes out, Death's whipping dog, even though they say they've agreed to walk side by side ]
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[Which was her subtle way of saying that she is not going to lift a finger right now. These are growing pains, in her eyes. Everyone adjusting, everyone making their own judgments.
She has seen her son in some of his more quiet moments, and read between his lines. It has told her one thing.
Too early, too soon. Wait and see.]
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I'm sorry.[ He apologizes, as he knows he got worked up on the matter ] I just... I just care very much for your son, Ma'am. He's a brother to me. [ And not just in honorific. He remembers the day in front of the chained Godslayer. "Stay with me. One Weapon to another.", "I'll see you on the field, Brother." ] And I do what I can as a fellow weapon.
[ I care for him very much ]
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Good. Filing that away for future reference now.]
You're welcome. It is nice to see that he appears to have yet another person that he can view as family.
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[ He laughs a bit, noting now how she's been speaking the whole night. So calculated. So measured. What would it be like if --]
Would you like to continue this outside? Out in the air overlooking your garden? [ He smiles as he makes the request ] It's a bit stuffy in here and I think the stars are nice tonight.
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You're right. A change of mood deserves a change of scene.
[Letting her smile grow now, as if this suggestion pleased her. She stands up, and takes the brazier, her cup and her pipe.]
Would you mind carrying the bottles for us?
He doesn't even know what he's doing.:(( Oh my poor, poor Brig. Just being nice.-___-
Heh heh heh.
[And stepping right out. She pauses a moment, looking around for a good spot.
Ah.]
Here.
[Walking down the patio, over to an even more quiet corner of the garden. The breeze is best here. Now she's settling down like she belongs there.
Trust in a woman like Kasumi Aoi to look so perfectly settled in her own skin t at all times.]
Iz all right. It's how I always play Brig. Must be IC consistent all the time. Stupid idiot. hah
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Activating Autonomic Control! haha
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